Caught Having Sex With What? These guys should’ve stayed Home!
Have you ever walked past a piece of furniture or some other inanimate object and thought, “Hey, that’s got a hole in it. I wonder if I can sex with it?”
If you have, you’re not alone. Either due to bizarre sexual fetishes or just plain boredom, men have gotten caught having sex with anything and everything. Some of which, don’t even seem possible. Take for instance these guys who were…
Caught having Sex With….
Yes, street signs.
After the man was arrested, police found hours of tapes that included two years worth of him defiling street signs.
Two years worth? That’s just the ones he was taping, who knows how many street signs he molested and got away with.
The man’s escapades didn’t end there. His collection included video of himself in an all leather S&M outfit while grinding against a door frame, instantly making it twice as awkward as any other S&M film ever made.
There was also video of him masturbating in front of traffic while wearing a mask, waving a gun at people while naked and digging a hole to literally fuck the ground. This guy probably warrants an entire post to himself but we’ll keep it moving.
Caught having sex with a Lamp Post!
So, imagine you are walking innocently down the street on an usually nice day in February. It’s a few days after Valentine’s Day and you still have warm, fuzzy feelings of love and tenderness skipping through your chest.
Yes, life is full of sunshine and rainbows. Nothing can ruin your day. Right up to the moment you run into an extremely naked man grinding a lamp post like the strip show from Hell.
Congratulations, you now know exactly how those school children and young women felt when they encountered this exact scenario in Wiltshire, England.
The nameless 32-year-old man, whose identity is being protected for reasons we are unsure of (other than to not be called a “lamposexual” in public) was soon arrested for “suspicion of outraging public decency.” Suspicion? Really? Even with eye witnesses? Now we are curious to find out how much more detective work it would take to get a conviction on publicly boning a street lamp.
Caught having Sex With a Park Bench!
One night, a certain man was walking around Hong Kong, in the park, lonely and bored.
He did what many of the lonely and bored people on this list did, he looked around for the nearest thing with a hole in it to have sex with.
Then he saw it: a park bench, with holes in it. At that moment he made the fateful decision to have a bit of the old in and out with it. What’s the harm?
This is the harm:
His ill-advised boning adventure soon led to over a dozen emergency personnel attempting to rescue him, while trying to hold in the laughter brewing inside each of them.
The doctors had to use needles to drain blood from the man’s penis but, sadly for Xing, getting stabbed in the dick did nothing to stop the swelling and loosen things up, so the rescuers had to cut away the part of the bench that he was stuck to, and shipped him off by ambulance, where it took doctors a painfully long four hours to remove the sheet of metal from Le’s dong, which he almost lost.
Yeah, from beginning to end that whole thing was one big Worst Case Scenario. All because of a single, momentary, horny lapse of judgment. You’d think that would scare people off inanimate object sex forever, but there’s at least one guy we’re pretty sure is still going strong. His name is Edward Smith and he was.
Caught Having Sex with Cars
Edward Smith’s love of cars didn’t translate into a nice collection of rare vehicles, or a career as a mechanic. Oh, no, he’s on this list because he wanted to express his love in a different way. Awww yeah.
Edward is one of a tiny number of people who are called mechaniphiliacs (only about 500 of them, as far as we know), and it’s just what it (sort-of) sounds like.
These are people that treat car washes like late night Cinemax movies, except instead of naughty inmates at an all-girls prison, it’s seeing that dirty slut of a Scion get buffed nice and slow, just how papi likes it.
By Edward’s count, since age 15 he’s made love to around a thousand cars and he doesn’t care who knows it (judging by the fact that he has done TV interviews about it). Kind of sounds like he wants to be known as the Wilt Chamberlain of car sex.
I’m not exactly sure how someone has sex with a car. Obviously you’d think of the tailpipe, but that would seem to create difficulties in terms of the positioning, especially for a car built low to the ground. And the car absolutely cannot be mounted while it’s moving.
Edward’s current fling is a Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, which instantly makes every Herbie the Love Bug movie ever made five times creepier.
Other cars he’s made car love to include: a 1993 Ford Ranger Splash he called Ginger, Cinnamon the ’73 Opal GT, and a ’69 Beetle which I am sure was probably the sluttiest car he’s ever dated.
Cars aren’t the only machine he’s gone all the way with; he claimed in the documentary he had sex with helicopter once. Only once? Lightweight.
Caught having sex with a Bicycle
A man from southwest Scotland apparently decided, while looking at his bike, that he wanted to ride it all night long, and in ways that would make Lance Armstrong weep tears of pure terror.
This, presumably, was not a problem for anyone until the night that two cleaning ladies for a local hostel walked in on a sight far more horrifying than anything Eli Roth could come up with: The 51-year-old Scottish man, with trou fully dropped, was “riding” a bike in a way that God never intended.
Oh, and did I mention that he stopped, knowing he was caught having sex with a bike, one of the most awkward situations ever, acknowledged the cleaners in the room, and then continued gettin’ it on?
Whether that is dedication, determination or retardation, I’m not sure.
It didn’t take long for them to call the cops, who booked him on charges of sexual breach of the peace. He ended up pulling a page out of the celebrity “I fucked up big time” book and chalked it up to alcohol instead of that funny feeling he got in his pants when he saw a tricycle when he was a child.
The man’s sexual stunt got him three years probation and placement on the sex offenders list, presumably with the note “keep away from bikes” next to it.
We would also like to take this opportunity to point out how England is dominating this list. What’s the deal with that?
Caught having sex with a Picnic Table
Apparently Art Price, Jr, a married man with 3 children flipped a picnic table on it’s side and went to work on the umbrella hole. Not once, on four separate occasions, and for hours on end.
Now, filming it the first time for evidence is understandable. Four times for hours on end and you move from concerned citizen to an active stalker.
But eventually the neighbor did turn the tapes over to the police, who arrested the table molester. The man was charged with felony counts of public indecency because as his bad luck would have it the frolic with the world’s most vulnerable four legged beast happened near an elementary school.
I’m guessing the conversation with the wife wasn’t a smooth one and I’m positive no one attends his backyard barbeques anymore.
Caught Having Sex With What? These guys should’ve stayed Home!